I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
