I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
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He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
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My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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