the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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