You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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