I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
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Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
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Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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