Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.