yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.