Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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