i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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