last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
