It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
