she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
