i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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