Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
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Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
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How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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