I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
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Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
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Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i think my cat just said my name.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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