Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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