So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
