We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
