Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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