I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
