someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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