he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
