Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
