So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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