Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.