You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.