The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO