i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
