I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
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We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
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Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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