Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
