FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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