M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
