so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone