You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.