I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
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It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
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I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver