filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels