I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
