my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
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I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
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There's a naked man in my car right now.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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