he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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