We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
