just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works