Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
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She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
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They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.