4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
