Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
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I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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