Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
