He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
