I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
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You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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