Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My dick has a subreddit
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
