Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
