Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We left the knife in your bed.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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