Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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