apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
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You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?