oh good, I think they're gone
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.