i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
