my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
