I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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