I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
